The People Inside Me

I have 3 very different personalities. It’s not like a split personality disorder, but then again, you be the judge.

Not another day…

Hollye–That’s me in my basic form. Hollye is depressed, anxious, worried, introverted, cynical, and pessimistic. She plods through life, cries a lot,  likes stability, fears most things, is not a risk taker, avoids issues, watches events from the fringe, and is happiest alone or in the company of animals. She goes to work, comes home, and occupies her free time with hobbies or chores which can’t be put off any longer. Medication has helped Hollye put a smile on her face and given her the ability to interact with others, sometimes even without having an anxiety attack and running away. Hollye hates people. She especially hates being looked at or touched.

Lily–She is generous, kind and soft hearted. Lily hears voices.

What’s mine is yours.

One time Lily heard a voice tell her to take her last $25 into the daycare when she picked up her kids. One of the new workers was standing by the door crying because the paychecks didn’t come in, and she had no food for her kids for the weekend. Without thought Lily gave the woman, a total stranger, the money.

Another time, Lily heard a voice tell her to buy a pair of leather gloves for the woman Hollye buys firewood from. Lily left the gloves in the woman’s truck and a few weeks later the woman had an accident with the log splitter. The only thing that saved her fingers was the leather glove.

Lily does many kind things that Hollye doesn’t approve of because many of the kindnesses are bestowed on people who don’t deserve them. Lily doesn’t care.

Glory–Glory is trouble. Back when my mother recited, “There was a little girl, who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good she was very, very good and when she was bad SHE WAS HORRID!” it was Glory who answered, “That doesn’t rhyme.”

I will mess you up.

Glory is the one who wreaks havoc on people, dances on tables, causes shit storms, tells dirty jokes, gets drunk, and hits on strange men. Glory is fearless.  She makes bad decisions and can’t be trusted. She’s smart, funny, and vivacious. She wears bright colours and smirks like she knows something you don’t. She plays with people like a Siamese plays with other cats–claws out and not nice at all.

My personalities don’t play well together. People get all Hollye or all Glory. They might get Glory with a side of Hollye or Hollye with a side of Glory. Lily is always alone. Her sweet nature can’t deal with sad sack Hollye or trouble making Glory. 

The last year has been all Hollye reacting to what has happened instead of Glory making things happen.  I need to find a balance.  I need to be kinder to myself and let joy in instead of shutting it out.  I need to stop the self sabotage.  I need to just breathe.  And dance on some tables.

(Originally published on Do You Do That at Home?, 3/27/11.  Slightly edited and updated.)