The Brave Face

I’m not even British.

I always put on a Brave Face or Keep a Stiff Upper Lip when faced with a less than desirable situation.  This stops now.  It’s time to call it as I see it and stop lying to myself.

For example, I put on a Brave Face the entire time I worked at the Outlaw even though it was the second most rotten job I’ve ever had.  The kitchen floor had holes in it, and it was filthy.  I was expected to be a cook, waitress, handyman and scullery maid all for barely more than minimum wage.  Oh, but I made tips…nowhere enough to make up for all the bullshit I put up with.

I rationalized that I was saving so much money by not driving to Cody, work was less than 5 minutes away so I was saving time, I was cooking, which is a true passion, so I was living the dream.  Yeah, imagine my surprise when I did my taxes and realized I took a $10,000 hit by wearing my Brave Face instead of admitting that the job and all the people involved sucked.  Gas isn’t that expensive.

Not this ass.

The Brave Face resulted in me being out on my ass, out of a job, broke, a burden on my friends and family, and quite possibly dumber than when I took the job.  They sucked my IQ and filled me with animosity.  Trust me, no one likes it when I’m filled with animosity.  I don’t think about what I did, but rather what I’m going to do.  Thankfully, I didn’t have to exact revenge on these people, they screwed themselves, which is really the case with most people.

Now I find myself at a crossroad looking for a demon.  I need a job.  I make the most money waiting tables, but damn I’m sick of people.  Winter is not the time to take a server job in Cody, the job market is in the toilet, and I have no idea what type of job to take that won’t make me stark raving mad.  Then again, that’s why it’s called a JOB and not FUN & GAMES.  Maybe I should be a housekeeper…I like being domestic with all the cooking and cleaning (as long as it isn’t my house I’m cleaning).

Let’s Try This Again

After a lengthy hiatus I realized one of the major things missing from my life is blogging.  I get a better perspective when I air my dirty laundry in public.  Yes, I’m something of an exhibitionist.

Since I left I’ve:  been fired (go me!), started a food truck (failed), baked for local farmer’s markets (succeeded), took a seasonal job for a major outdoor clothing retailer (succeeded), got laid off (go me!), and spent a lot of time soul searching.  I made a New Year’s resolution to be kinder to myself and broke it an hour before the jukebox started playing Auld Lang Syne.  Then I shredded, stapled, and mutilated it;  set it on fire and warmed myself in its ashes.

I should have just resolved to lose some weight.

Since I’m jobless at the moment the blog will focus on life, love, laughter, and the wild, wacky and just plain weird things that happen to me.  In other words, it will be like everyone else’s blog.  HA! I am keeping the title the same because most days my life is a Blizzard of Shame…questionable decisions, goofy antics, bizarre situations, and things that only happen to me.  Some are funny, some make me wonder how I’m still alive, and some make me wish I wasn’t.

Buckle up.  It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

The People Inside Me

I have 3 very different personalities. It’s not like a split personality disorder, but then again, you be the judge.

Not another day…

Hollye–That’s me in my basic form. Hollye is depressed, anxious, worried, introverted, cynical, and pessimistic. She plods through life, cries a lot,  likes stability, fears most things, is not a risk taker, avoids issues, watches events from the fringe, and is happiest alone or in the company of animals. She goes to work, comes home, and occupies her free time with hobbies or chores which can’t be put off any longer. Medication has helped Hollye put a smile on her face and given her the ability to interact with others, sometimes even without having an anxiety attack and running away. Hollye hates people. She especially hates being looked at or touched.

Lily–She is generous, kind and soft hearted. Lily hears voices.

What’s mine is yours.

One time Lily heard a voice tell her to take her last $25 into the daycare when she picked up her kids. One of the new workers was standing by the door crying because the paychecks didn’t come in, and she had no food for her kids for the weekend. Without thought Lily gave the woman, a total stranger, the money.

Another time, Lily heard a voice tell her to buy a pair of leather gloves for the woman Hollye buys firewood from. Lily left the gloves in the woman’s truck and a few weeks later the woman had an accident with the log splitter. The only thing that saved her fingers was the leather glove.

Lily does many kind things that Hollye doesn’t approve of because many of the kindnesses are bestowed on people who don’t deserve them. Lily doesn’t care.

Glory–Glory is trouble. Back when my mother recited, “There was a little girl, who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good she was very, very good and when she was bad SHE WAS HORRID!” it was Glory who answered, “That doesn’t rhyme.”

I will mess you up.

Glory is the one who wreaks havoc on people, dances on tables, causes shit storms, tells dirty jokes, gets drunk, and hits on strange men. Glory is fearless.  She makes bad decisions and can’t be trusted. She’s smart, funny, and vivacious. She wears bright colours and smirks like she knows something you don’t. She plays with people like a Siamese plays with other cats–claws out and not nice at all.

My personalities don’t play well together. People get all Hollye or all Glory. They might get Glory with a side of Hollye or Hollye with a side of Glory. Lily is always alone. Her sweet nature can’t deal with sad sack Hollye or trouble making Glory. 

The last year has been all Hollye reacting to what has happened instead of Glory making things happen.  I need to find a balance.  I need to be kinder to myself and let joy in instead of shutting it out.  I need to stop the self sabotage.  I need to just breathe.  And dance on some tables.

(Originally published on Do You Do That at Home?, 3/27/11.  Slightly edited and updated.)